Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami
Spent the night just reading the book. It’s 7.18am now, and I haven’t slept yet. Doesn’t sound THAT bad as I took a power nap before that hoping to go on with my project work later in the night. Project work my ass. I ended up following that book till the end.
The book was… sad. It was tremendously melodramatic. Some parts really touched me deeply; not the sort that makes you cry, but feel an insurmountable amount of sadness in you. And you know what? The things he writes does happen in real life. It’s sad because it’s the truth. You can actually connect to it that it feels almost surreal. As it is, it brings back memories, memories of me having a cold hard core. Long time ago. Times when it was hard for me to open up to anyone. Even those chat sessions with Mim and Sheryl… even those long phone calls with Ruji didn’t really open my doors up as much as I wanted to.
To be brutally honest? I could relate to the protagonist a bit. Not that any of my friends have committed suicide (well, there’s one, but I’m not that close to him and I don’t really know the story to be sure). In terms of having unrequited love? Well, not a stranger in that department. Everything I did however, anything I could have done, I still had that cold shell wrapped around places in my heart. Things I can never be honest with anyone with. To tell the truth, I felt envious of the protagonist when he could open his heart up to the woman he loved, at the place where the woman was recuperating. They actually encouraged everyone to be honest with each other in order to help each other.
I also envy him of his life, to be able to (enjoy isn’t the right word…) have deep and lasting relationships with people around him. His friends are few, he’s a loner, but those that he has brings him into their lives as much as he brings them into his. Maybe I’m just painting a pretty picture on how it’s happening. Maybe I’m just hoping for something more… tangible. More lasting in life. Maybe I’m looking for a long lasting friendship where I can have a close friend for longer than 10 years. Come to think of it, I’ve never had any friends I actually had the pleasure of ‘doing things with’ or ‘hanging out on lazy afternoons’. Haha. I don’t even have the pleasure of being approached by some girl while eating lunch just because I’m interesting.
I could even relate to him in the ways of being a loner. Back before attending university, I would always surround myself with friends. Now? I can pass a few days without talking to anyone at all. There was a time I fell sick here. No contact with anyone for a week. After that I felt introverted and unable to communicate well. When I did communicate, I often feel the words seem hollow, as if I’m unable to back my words with emotions anymore. Funny thing though, I feel… peaceful. Maybe I’m just trying to hide from the pain of losing friends as I see them move on in the world one by one, further and further away. It isn’t a pleasant feeling.
If my girlfriend reads this, she must be really angry with me. I hope she does not get me wrong though. She is my current source of encouragement. My ’shining light’ in the dark. I feel comfortable with her, and hopefully in time, when she can accept my innermost thoughts without prejudice or unhappiness (there’s a lot going in there, and it’s upsetting), I might be able to break down the walls of my castle and let it go.
KW
p/s: No I’m not about to commit suicide. I just feel highly emotional right now. And damn depressed. Maybe I need sleep.
pp/s: No… I just need a nice, warm hug.
I just finished reading the book and I understand what u mean…it is a very melancholic storyline with people committing suicide and those who are alive having disturbed minds that makes you question whether they are really living. Lots of great themes in the book!
I never knew that bit about you that resembles Toru in some ways. I guess it really comes to show that some things you can never really tell from the outside. Last time when we were in high school I always saw you as a friend who could ‘open up’ through our conversations…interesting how things are actly the opposite of wat they seem…
And for a book to be able to stir such strong emotions…shows us just what a great book it is! hope ur not feeling depressed anymore…cheer up k =)
Comment by mim | June 1, 2007